Couch

Do you remember that afternoon we fell asleep on the couch and when I woke up your dirty sock was in my hand?

I still remember that red couch and how every time I sat on the middle cushion i would sink past the broken spring because my legs are so short. We used to find all manner of foreign matter stuffed in there - like that night we were watching a rerun of Northern Exposure and i reached down to grab my lighter and pulled out an entire piece of pizza. Funny how when you find a piece of pizza in the fridge everyone claims it, but you find an old crusty piece jammed between couch cushions and no one wants it.


Frankie mentioned the red couch in his last letter. He might have told you this before... you may have even know it then - but at one time there was a brick of weed, 8 ounces of heroin and enough coke to 'make a grown man blush' hidden in the frame of that thing. Now, I don't know how much coke it takes to make a grown man blush but I imagine if you've got a brick of weed and half a pound of black tar, the coke is really inconsequential. He says that when the cops came over that night to check on the crazy neighbor he laid down so none of us would offer the cops a seat.
Like part of police training is a certification in super sensitive smell.



I'm still not sure if it's Kosher to be sending mail from prison about old drug deals and where you hid your stash. I guess if it made it's way out then it's okay right? I can't imagine... that shit could still be stashed in there. Who ended up with that couch anyway?

TRIPS PART 1 (B Goes Missing)

The last time I spoke with B he was pretty lucid.

The conversation was labored as he knew that I was still angry at him – not because he had relapsed, but because he had disrespected me. The entire week before he disappeared I knew he was getting high. Every time I confronted him he would deny it – and give me some crazy ass excuses for whatever thing it was that clued me in. Like telling me he was up at two am because he drank too much caffeinne the night before - and how organizing 2,000 cds by spine color just seemed like a good thing to do. Nothing pisses me off more than when a junkie lies to my face about being high. Thank damn that we split up long before he started mainlining.

We were really only a couple for about nine months... or maybe about a year. We spent so much time together otherwise that the point we began and the point where we ended are kind of blurred. The beginning is somehow always stirred in with those festival shows during the summer of 93. I was actually traveling with Y at the time. Y, me and and Frankie (with his rotating girl of the month) had become pretty tight by that time. Frankie selling stickers and me and Y fixing veggie burritos. At some point that spring Frankie had even managed to buy his own tent, which was a monumental relief as he was the stinkiest hippie I knew (but that was long before i met Nick).

B was very much our Dean Moriarty. Women craved him and the boys wanted to be him. He was always the driver even when he was napping in the back. He was the lead dog, the scout of our caravan and, even still, the most well read person I know. The first time we met the Dead were playing in Irvine and I cut school to see the show. It was one of those across a crowded room things. Except in our case it was across a crowded concession line. And instead of taking me into his arms and kissing me, we smiled at each other a lot and twenty minutes later he offered me a tab of acid. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

By the summer of 93 B and I had known each other about three or four years. We had slept in the same bed a number of times but never had sex. Many assumed we had because the general concensus was that he was much more slutty than he was in reality. B was by most standards, a gentleman.

Games

A little list of my favorite games:

• Scrabble - bacuz gud spelerz kik as n stuf. I'n soo mutch smirter thin yu. I'n a jeanyis.
• Mind Fuck - The game I play when my SO gets over the 'impressing you and being good ' stage and finally starts to punch himself in the face when he's pissed off.
• Fluffy Tufts - The game I play with Dander and Cortez when they run around and lay on my clean clothes leaving hairs all over for me to pick up later.
• Dog or Old Lady - My favorite road game. A wagering game, sometimes for money, sometimes for whatever you've got to wager. This game can not be planned and happens randomly. The object of this game is to determine if the object in the vehicle ahead of you is a dog or an old lady. Sounds simple enough... but looks can be deceiving.
• Find the Smell - One of my favorite hippie games. The object of this game is to determine which, in a room full of sleeping hippies, is the source of the rankest odor. This game also comes in the Punk and Sleeping Baby varieties. Not to be played on a full stomach.
• My Life Sucks More Than Yours - Generally a drinking game. The object is pretty self explanatory. The second stage of this game is known as Projectile Puking, or for women, Hold My Hair.
• Paw Sniffer - A game played when one of your cats walks through a pile of Comet and neither of them will admit to it.
• You Hang Up - A game that is only fun for some new couples and teenagers. Annoying as fuck to the rest of us who have to listen to it.
• Is That the Cops? - This is a tweaker game. One tweaker peaks out the window and says "Is that the cops?" and then the rest of them take turns doing it every five minutes for the next few hours. Second level of this game is call Hide the Dope. Level three is known as Mugshot and Fingerprints.
• Party Tricks - A great game that inevitably ends up with you learning that one of your friends is waaay bendier than you ever wanted to know.
• Wait For Me - Also known as Hold My Hand. This is a game that blind people play when they are still in denial about their loss of sight. It usually starts with someone saying, 'Is there a step right here?'
• Which Syringe is Mine - A junkie game. Kids, don't try this one at home.
• Emotionally Unavailable - I don't like this game, but boys like to play it with me.
• Whose phone is ringing? - My favorite call center game. Best when the your internal and external rings sound the same.

Ode to the InterNetS

The top 10 ways the internet currently impacts my life.

1. I can know the weather in North Hampton, Garden Grove, Tibet and at GM Place at any give moment. This gives me some sense of insight, even though I have all the windows open and the heat on here in my house.
2. I am never so disconnected that I don't know what inedible objects Hailey has swallowed... or if she has passed them and is out of danger.
3. The ability to download Dead songs from shows that I actually attended. If you listen hard enough between Drums and Space you can hear me and Garth doing our Rain Chant. If you listen even harder you can hear Frankie, Donna and Bear doing their Shutthefuckup Chant.
4. Two AM updates on my brother's wisdom teeth extraction. Apparently it was no big deal because he is supertough.
5. Finding that some people that I considered 'friends' in the old days have myspace pages. This brings up the question of whether or not I want to create a myspace page of my own in order to contact them. I think getting ahold or Aartje would be worth it but I think I might have to lie if anyone asks me if I have a myspace page.
6. Crazy stream of consciousness emails from crackheads. I use the term consciousness very lightly.
7. Daily updates on the saga of the baby microwaving man.
8. Match sites that bring me one step closer to meeting the next person who will break my heart. Weeeee.
9. Streaming shift charts of NHL games. I can plus/minus to my heart's content.
10. Allowing my friends, through this blog, to see into the corners of my brain that I shouldn't admit are there. And then there's my Other web site. =P

Ten Things

Ten things I can see from where I am sitting right now:

A plush penguin peeking out of the pocked of a purse. What kind of dorkus walks around like that?

A picture of some hippies dancing in a field in Oregon. Damn stinky hippies. Literally... I remember that day and some of them were extra rank. It's why I loove the picutre. Because I can relive the moment without the smell. Come to think of it, it's better as a photograph than a memory.

Picture of the Tank Man. If you don't knw who the Tank Man is, you seriously need to Wikipedia or Googl "tank man" He is an inspiration to me.

Grimy Grateful Dead mousepad with dancing bears.

Charlie Brown doll with giant wobbly eyes. GIANT wobbly eyes. He looks high. Watch out for Pig Pen. He’s the Pusha Man.

Picture of me with the Stanley Cup. There is a person cut out of the picture. In my upgraded version of this memory it was Mario Lemieux and I cut him out when I decided to marry Wayne Gretzsky.

A Lemon Scented Clorox Antibacterial Wipe. I had to pull one out to sniff at because something over here smelled like urine. *yark*

A sign that says “LUNCH” The sign, however is not edible, which is a bit counterintuitive.

Elisa’s toilet brush. I hope it’s never been used.

Something that looks like a booger stuck to the clear mat under my keyboard. Hopefully it’s oatmeal. When was the last time I ate oatmeal?

Ten Things

Ten things I've done in the last forty eight hours.

1. Finally put on a damn eye patch so I don't throw up anymore. Friday I yarked (or 'urped' as Karyn puts it) three times at work from the pain. There is no dainty way to flee the office while trying to keep down the free bagel breakfast.
2. Shivered for three hours. Icing my face to ease the pain and pressure of my eyeballsocketface I fell asleep. Listening to Little House on the Prarie with a bag of peas on your face can lull anyone to sleep.
3. Watched Ottawa advance to the Stanley Cup Finals. I hate it when the goalies cry.
4. Looked for naked pictures of Seth Green on the InterNets. Well, that's what I told David I was doing and I think he believed me. I had a dream about Seth Saturday morning. I think I might be ready to date someone who is as short as me. Err... as tall as me. Only redheads need apply.
5. Sang 'At Last' to Garth over the phone. In my 'mister sister' voice.
6. Realized how sad it is to have a one cup coffee maker that makes a really good cup of coffee.
7. Started watching a really dry comedy that ended up being some incredibly bad soft core porn.
8. Devised a way to make an attractive PineSol air freshener.
9. Took naps under the guise that I need to rest my eye.
10. Made buttons that say "ASSertive"

PLACES I HAVE BEEN

Some of these places I lived in. SOme places I drove through. A few I stayed for at time of my own accord and others were places I had to endure for a time.

• Six inches from Bob Weir's feet
• Jimi's grave
• The Roxy
• Otis Oregon (O-RE-Gon)
• The basement of Michigan's Attorney General's house
• Where the Wild Things Are
• Champagne breakfast on the Space Needle
• In bed with Jesus
• Bruce Lee's grave
• Tillamook dairy
• Beneath Rob Wasserman
• Largest porn shop in the US
• Mesa Grill
• On top of a stump
• The parking lots when lots were villages
• The Vice Principle's office
• Abby's house
• Jersey
• Airport in Delaware
• Standing next to DJ Logic
• Buckeye Arizona
• Communal farm in North Cali
• Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles
• Nowhere
• On a rock in the middle of the River in Silverado Canyon
• BC
• Behind Jack Klugman
• Steelhead's practice
• Secured document room in the Exxon building in Houston
• The corner of Haight and Ashbury
• Under a blood red sky
• Behind Marty Brodeur... then in front of him

ALONE

I was telling a friend recently... "Sometimes I'm worried about finding a significant other. Other times I realize how many Viking Pirates there are out there and I'm okay with being alone."

Cheerios and Toilet Paper

One month ago I shaved my head for charity. It was supposed to be one of those selfless Buddhist acts. Something that would, in turn, shift my focus from vanity and false pride. It's had the opposite effect though. I am moritified to go out of the house without some sort of headgear.

If you see me without a Penguins cap or a bandana (i own 30 different colors) then it's because I'm sleep walking. My hair is growing at a snails pace, as always. I can't say that I regret it because the people I work with donated $850 to the Eric Jones Fund (benefitting women and children who are victims of domestic violence) to watch me get my head saved and I was a total pussy about it. I mean I stepped up to the plate and all, but i refused to go all the way. If you know me you know that hair no longer grow on my legs or armpits so I was afraid that I would become totally bald if we went to my scalp.

My headset fits much better now though. I can get through most of the day without any major adjustment or having to re-do my hair. There is simply no hair to do. And ear buds are much more easily controlled without hair tangling up in the cord.

Yeah, I'm totally grasping at straws to find a bright side. I just have to keep reminding myself that $850 can buy a wicked pallet of Cheerios and toilet paper.

Easy

How easy is it?

• Easy Freezie Lemon Squeezy
• Easy mole guaca frijole
• Easy Dogma Karma Harma
• Easy queezy boloney and cheesy
• Easy Crack Heart Attack
• Easy Squeezy Aerosole Cheesy
• Easy Breezy Pollen Weezy
• Easy Hurty Dirty Flirty
• Easy Creamy Soy Dreamy
• Easy Wrinkle Chocolate Sprinkle
• Easy Crime Prison Time
• Easy Teasey Little Sleezy

That was a serious waste of time =)